CORONAVIRUS (COVID-19) RESOURCE CENTER Read More
Add To Favorites

Glaring at Strangers Not Effective

Valley News - 7/30/2017

Dear Miss Manners: I’ve always ridden buses and subways to work, and make a conscientious effort to make my seat available for the elderly, for pregnant women, for people with obvious disabilities and for small children. In fact, I look up from my paper or phone, scan those entering the train at each station to assess need, and if I see only young, healthy people, I keep my seat — which I, frankly, enjoy, as I am often fairly tired and enjoy the reading time.

My boss told me that when he’s on a bus (which is seldom, as he’s not from the city), he glares at men who are seated whenever ladies are standing — even young, healthy women. I was embarrassed to admit he might be glaring at me in those situations.

Have I been incorrect to keep a seat as long as there is any woman standing? I certainly never refuse a seat when anyone asks — as I figure appearances alone do not determine one’s particular comfort or ability — but now I wonder if I’m deserving of his glare for not insisting a woman take the seat.

Gentle Reader: How fierce is his glare? Does it work? Do countless male riders blush and jump to their feet?

At best, this is a questionable technique. And your boss seems to have missed the evolution of the precedence system. We have indeed moved from a strict Ladies First order to that based on age and need, which Miss Manners is pleased to note that you have faithfully observed.

She worries that your well-meaning but anachronistic boss will be in for a shock when a equally well-meaning but up-to-date lady offers him her seat because he is her senior.

Dear Miss Manners: I was the only non-family member to co-host a baby shower. I made and presented gifts, made decorations and created parting gifts for partygoers.

The expectant mother, who has previously sent thank-you notes like clockwork, did not acknowledge my participation. I know your stance about gifts being too big a burden to be acknowledged, but where do I stand now? It will be several years before the little one can give thanks on her own. Should I stop the gifts until then?

Gentle Reader: What? Surely you cannot be attributing to Miss Manners the foul idea that presents are “too big a burden to be acknowledged.” Rather, she believes it should be considered a privilege to express the gratitude that must be rising within anyone fortunate enough to have generous friends.

But perhaps you are referring to her belief that if there is no such expression, the recipient must consider that receiving generosity is more of a burden than a pleasure. In that case, which seems to fit your friend, the considerate thing to do is to cease creating that burden.

Dear Miss Manners: Do you calculate the value of a gift on its retail price or on the actual price you paid for it?

I work for a designer and have access to high-end merchandise at 25 percent of the actual cost. I can gift someone a $200 handbag that I purchased for $50.

Now, I do budget how much I will spend on family and friends; it’s the not-so-close friends I have an issue with. If I allocate to spend $40 to $50 on such a friend, but buy her something that retails $120 (but costs me $30), have I shortchanged her?

The reverse gets me in trouble, too. My group of friends does a gift exchange at Christmastime. We set a fixed budget of $50 each. I’ll spend $50, but buy something that retails for $200. The receiver doesn’t complain, but some of my girlfriends in the group complain that I overspent, making my gift more valuable than theirs.

Gentle Reader: Calculating the value of a gift — retail, actual, wholesale, discounted or bulk, or marked up, down or sideways — is not an activity Miss Manners finds to be either delicate or rewarding.

Your friend with the $30 or $120 handbag was not shortchanged because (we hope) she values the gift as a thoughtful gesture coming from you, not for its fetching price on the open market. The dollar limit on your Christmas exchange does serve a purpose, which is to limit the expense of the gift-giving from becoming burdensome. Your discount has accomplished this, an explanation that your friends should understand.

Dear Miss Manners: I work for a large library system in a major city. There is a central library that houses administration and customer service, as well as 33 branches spread out over the county.

The other day, a person fairly high up in administration sent out an email to all staff saying one of the library’s partners had generously provided several dozen doughnuts, and they were in the central library staff break room. As the closest branch was over a mile away, and many branches were as far as 30 miles away, I felt this was rude to the people that read about the free doughnuts of which they were unable to partake.

Later, another person at the central library sent an email out reminding everyone there were still doughnuts and included pictures. I found this to be incredibly inconsiderate of anyone not able to drop everything and travel to the central library to enjoy the food. Am I wrong?

Gentle Reader: You are wrong in escalating the seriousness of the violation to “incredibly.”

Miss Manners recognizes, without understanding, how seriously employees take offers of free food. But she doubts that either the originating administrator or the replying photographer intended for anyone to drive half an hour for a free doughnut. They addressed their emails to recipients invisible to them, forgetting that some would not be within walking distance. This was thoughtless, but is best ignored: Even a lighthearted correction — “Looks delish, but some of us work across town” — is likely to be seen as petty.

Dear Miss Manners: Who pays for our son’s birthday dinner?

My husband and I went out of town to celebrate our older son’s birthday. It was originally going to be us, plus him and his girlfriend. Through our son, we invited the girlfriend’s dad and his girlfriend (who we hadn’t met yet) to join us.

At the dinner, our son’s girlfriend’s dad insisted on paying. My husband wanted to be the host, and explained this. When we took the waiter aside to insist upon paying, we found out that the other dad had already given his credit card to the waiter. Without knowing this, my husband told the girlfriend’s dad that this was a 26-year tradition, but to no avail. My husband is offended now.

Gentle Reader: Well, tell him to stop it. In all probability, the girlfriend’s father’s motive came from concern that his party outnumbered yours — and likely some embarrassment for the addition of a lady whom you had not met and who was not directly invited.

Miss Manners entreats you to persuade your husband that the intentions here were good — and that the charm of this birthday tradition comes from those celebrating it, not the person financing it.

Should the relationship with this family continue, you may tell your husband to have a frank, but kind, conversation with the other father about who is hosting whom and when. Your husband will likely be very grateful for this man’s generous instincts when it comes to bankrolling a wedding.

Dear Miss Manners: I am at a loss as to how to best respond to co-workers who knock on my closed office door. You see, I am a working mother with a breastfed infant at home and, as such, must use a pump to collect and store food for my daughter several times during the day.

I am fortunate enough to have a private office, so I can simply close and lock my door and continue to work while pumping at my desk.

However, it is a common occurrence for co-workers to knock and inquire as to whether or not they may enter to ask a question or discuss a work-related topic. I feel that ignoring them would be rude, but my gentle “I’ll be a few minutes” or “I’m busy at the moment” often seems to invite them to attempt conversation through the door — or worse, leaves me opening my door (bottles in hand!) to find co-workers waiting for me to emerge.

Surely there must be a way to get the point across that I need a few minutes of privacy without announcing through a closed door, “I’ve got my shirt off! Leave me alone!”

Gentle Reader: You need a sign, although Miss Manners assures you that it hardly need be as explicit as you suggest. “Please do not disturb” will do — and a few succinct words at the next staff meeting as to the general subject of what they might be disturbing should effectively fend off persistent and oblivious co-workers.

Miss Manners is written by Judith Martin, her son, Nicholas Ivor Martin, and her daughter, Jacobina Martin. You are invited to email your etiquette questions from www.missmanners.com, if you promise to use the black or blue-black ink you’ll save by writing those thank you, condolence and congratulations letters you owe.

Nationwide News